Thestarsarenotyetnamed - All These Constellations Are Alien

my trick for getting through grad school is learning to navigate the quadrants with all their nuances

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them.

Grooming Can Look Like:

1. “Is that your real name? I don’t really like to call people by their usernames.”

Asking for personal information right away - It gives a false sense of intimacy and can be used later to threaten or blackmail.

2. “I see you like Band. My parents hate them. 😂 Do your parents know your music tastes?”

Segueing quickly into private life, sometimes asking invasive questions about home, friends, family, etc - It tells them whether or not a person is isolated, unhappy, self-destructive, unsupervised, etc. The more vulnerable a person is, the more successful grooming can be.

3. “I like your fan art. Do you do nsfw? Nothing crazy, just flirty…”

Bringing up sexuality or other adult subjects in a general way - It pushes the person’s boundaries gently, getting them to talk about nsfw things in a way that feels nonthreatening.

4. “That post made a good point. I would never guess you’re 14. You’re really mature and well-spoken.”

Describing the person as mature, smart, wise, resourceful, street-smart, etc - It’s flattering, and it gives the illusion of equality and respect in their interactions.

5. “People hate what they don’t understand. You’re just so unique. I get it.”

Reinforcing that the person is unique, misunderstood, above others, etc - It increases isolation and forms a sense of dependance on the groomer.

6. “Omg look at this guy’s outfit! It’s so hot! You know, you could totally rock something like this!”

Sexualizing the person in flattering ways - It feels like a compliment and edges farther past typical boundaries, normalizing more and more sexual interactions.

7. “That guy was out of line. 😤 I couldn’t help it, I messaged him and told him if he doesn’t leave you alone I’ll doxx him. He won’t be back. He knows I’ll do it. Please don’t be mad, I just hate when people mess with my friends… ”

Defending the person, often inappropriately - It’s a show of devotion to the person, a display of the potential for aggression that serves to nudge boundaries, and can be used to threaten or coerce later.

8. “I’m totally with you on Ship X. It’s so bigoted to break up Ship Y like that. We ought to try to get those freaks banned.”

Creating an other to unify against, often inappropriately - It creates a sense of intimacy and serves as a way to push boundaries by encouraging inappropriate behavior.

9. “Idk why you let her waste ur time. U don’t need phoneys like that. You have me!!! 😂”

Discouraging competing relationships - It increases isolation, vulnerability and dependence.

10. “Listen, don’t worry about your phone bill. I got it. Sent it thru your Kofi, plus a little extra. You deserve it.”

Giving gifts, money, or paying bills - It creates a sense of intimacy, and possibly financial dependence. And it can be used as a source of guilt.

11. “Where are you??? Tell whoever you’re with that I miss my bff!!!!!”

Checking in, keeping tabs, tracking or asking for updates - It diverts the person’s attention onto the groomer, interrupts their social life to further isolate, and creates a pattern of guilt and responsibility for the groomer’s feelings.

12. “I can’t believe you’d abandon me like this. You know I have depression. Are you trying to make me suicidal? The least you could do is give me a couple weeks to find a new therapist. I’m gonna need one now.”

Threatening to harm themselves, or implying that they might if contact ends - It plays on that sense of guilt and responsibility and can be used long after abuse has happened, to prevent disclosure.

Grooming doesn’t happen by accident. By definition, it’s deliberate. When someone begins grooming, they have already decided to abuse. From that point on, interaction has one goal. It creates a situation where the person being targeted has conflicting emotions about what’s happening, no one they trust to give advice, and no way to break out without being the bad guy.

The setup - the grooming behaviors themselves - vary. One abuser might use many approaches, and might even change methods if a target isn’t receptive. I think we can all agree that guilt-tripping and displays of aggression aren’t healthy under any circumstances, but many common behaviors are things that can happen outside of grooming, in other contexts, and be ok. (An old friend might give generous gifts purely out of friendship, but someone who’s practically a stranger, giving generous gifts, acting like an old friend, is potentially predatory.) That’s why it can be so hard to see. We can’t simply ban their tools or latch onto keywords. There are no elements that are always present. There’s no set pattern. There are few flags that are always red. It’s not that simple.

The only reliable and realistic way to keep vulnerable ppl safe is to teach them to recognize potential grooming by looking at the entirety of the situation, to trust their feelings, and to speak up.

I'm begging other trans people to read an ounce of Black Feminist or Decolonialist Feminist writing. I'm on my hands and knees and begging you. I promise you, I promise you, there is so much more to Feminist theory than anything you have picked up from White/Radical/Pop/Liberal Feminism I promise you. Read There Is No Hierarchy Of Oppressions By Audre Lorde. I have a link to the PDF right here you can read it for free. Take my hand I can't do this alone (thanks glass beach). Peace And Love On Planet Earth.

Inspired by this WIP by @astranite <3

“Do I look okay?” John had frozen with his fingers tucked into his hair, a curl wound around his index. He twisted it on repeat, the only flicker of movement that remained, along with the dart of his eyes to Scott, around the room and then to the stars beyond. Would he pass their father's inspection? That’s the question John was really asking. Scott reached out. “May I?” John gave a short, sharp nod, eyes going back to the floor. His uniform hat hung loosely from his other hand, dancing on the borderline of keeping enough tension not to drop it.

Slowly and deliberately, Scott tugged John’s uniform straight, setting his lilac baldric on his shoulder proper, and smoothing out the wrinkles from sky blue fabric. It wasn’t perfect, it certainly wasn’t ironed, but it was better. John seemed more like his usual self, albeit standing shakily on his own two feet, now he didn’t look as much like he was fresh off of a crying jag. Or rather he was more of the John he put out to the world and everyone was allowed to see. And yet, there was a tiny bit more hope held in his frame and the way he actually breathed now. Scott kept his hands pressed to John’s chest a moment longer than necessary; he could feel his brother’s racing heart beating even through the layers of uniform and baldric. It was a blatant excuse to touch, woven together with the practical need to help, and an opportunity to be near taken after being so far away for so long. John rocked forward on his toes to lean into it and they stayed like that, locked together for a what could’ve been an eternity or a millisecond, before Scott slid his hands off the edges of John’s sharp shoulders and John returned to fidgeting with his hair. The movements though were a little frantic; John winced as he caught a snarl at the back as he attempted to fingercomb it into order, too clumsy and frustrated with himself. Scott gently took over when John’s stared at him, eyes an echo of sea green and pleading quietly. He clutched his hat to his chest as he wriggled the fingers of his other hand at his side in a never ending pattern of waves. Scott did his best to comb the back of his brother’s unruly hair to lie in the same direction, to become part of a pattern while the long, soft strands curl where John can’t see them. Waves. The waves of John’s stimming; the wavering lights of the auroras he studies. Maybe Scott was beginning to see why John always insisted it was all connected, the entire universe together. Then his mind returned to the waves of the oceans of Earth and the ripples of their pool overflowing when they all jumped in at the same time. Soon they would be there, John too. Scott swept a clump of strands away from where they brushed John’s neck and caught in his collar to join with the others. “Getting a bit long at the back here, Jay,” he murmured. John’s free hand turned to flickering. “Yeah. Maybe even Virge could… Y’know fix it while I’m on Earth.” “Course! He’d be happy to help. He does love a guinea pig for hairstyling experiments but he will just give you a trim, if that’s what you want.” John’s lips quirked up in a small smile. “Better than letting Grandma get a hold of me.” Grandma wielding the kitchen shears was nearly as terrifying as the prospect of her getting ahold of Brains’ plans for a turbo nuclear powered oven. Again. It sure was a way to cook, not even the solidly frozen turkey had survived its maiden flight last Christmas. John and Scott laughed over past family mishaps together. Maybe it was the prospect of joining them that made it so John didn’t change the subject to avoid them. Casual conversation could be painful in ways other people didn’t see until it was too late. Doing John’s hair though reminded Scott of getting his brothers ready as kids, lining them up in their good clothes for their father's rounds of inspection. He’d never not expected military spit and polish. John was usually the one to need least last minute fixing up. Virgil was a dirt magnet for paint, food and grease. Gordon had a talent for getting soaking wet five minutes before they had to be out the door, and Alan had been a literal baby. John would either be found sitting at the ready by the front door, his nose in a book, or he’d be helping Scott out with the others.

This is literally the most heart warming story I have read on Twitter so far. I think this is exactly what friends should do, and I feel everyone deserves people like this.

If, like me, you struggle with long zoo days because there’s nowhere to sit - especially not near where you can see the animals - I have a suggestion for you. Bring a folding camp stool! I’ve started doing this regularly and oh boy does it make a difference.

The specs I looked for were lightweight & collapsible, because I’m also already carrying camera gear and don’t want to be hauling extra or heavy bulk. I went with a GCI Outdoor PackSeat Camping Stool Portable Folding Stool (not linking out, but you can find it at REI as well as that other site) because it was the only one I could find with a weight limit of up to 250lbs. It looks like this!

It collapses down into a pouch that hooks to your belt or a backpack or whatever, and ends up being about the length of my forearm but weighs less than a full reusable metal water bottle. I basically don’t even notice it on top of my gear.

With some sort of collapsible camping stool, you can rest anywhere. I set it up in front of three exhibits with no benches this morning while I hung out and waited for good photo conditions. What I really like is that it’s very lightweight and easy to pick up and move out of the way, but also sturdy enough I don’t feel it’s going to break under me.

It’s not a perfect solution: if you’re short you might not be able to see over every secondary barrier, and my model doesn’t have a backrest (although some by that brand do) so you’re still actively sitting instead of able to totally relax. But man, I was able to spend an hour hanging out and waiting for a snow leopard to appear instead of giving up after ten minutes because I had to stand on concrete.

I didn’t get any guff from the many zoo employees who saw me using it, and a ton of other guests commented what a good idea it was. It might not be ideal for super busy zoo days, but if there’s not a ton of people, it’s a lifesaver to be able to bust out a seat where you need one.

Tag yourself I’m the “Overdressed and Underappreciated”. Artist : http://www.mattadrian.com/